The specific strategy you apply now to this, then to that problem has probably helped you out more than once in the past. The moment you thought you were hopelessly lost, without a leg to stand on, this idea, this solution appeared out of nowhere – and turned out to be very successful. That’s why you continued to resort to this ‘proven formula’ – over and over again. But that winning series does not guarantee the future, because today – or maybe next time – you are suddenly stuck, because your old, trusted tactics do not offer a solution, no longer works as before.
Of course, all kinds of troubles can be dealt with effectively with a universal plan of action, that is, by repeating and maintaining a course that has already put you in safe harbor. Often, falling back on such successful mental habits is a smart way to respond appropriately to new challenges.
The bottom line is that it doesn’t become a mindless habit, and we don’t naively expect this fine-tuned procedure to work permanently. When we perceive that our reflexive response is failing, we should honestly acknowledge it, and open ourselves openly to the unknown. That is why in this article I offer an alternative approach to overcome our dilemmas. It is then up to you whether you give the proposed view a chance, or take the same old cows out of the ditch again and again.
You are better equipped than anyone to solve your own problems
There is no greater expert – neither in theory nor in practice – than the person whose problems are both subject and object. Are you reading this with a frown, or does it seem rather logical and plausible to you? That’s because you’ve experienced such complications yourself from the very beginning, and are by definition the closest, and on it. Who has not unknowingly – or accidentally – extended an undesirable situation, while he wanted to change or make disappear that damned status quo , his experience and its consequences?
Sometimes we are trapped in quarries or even trenches of the past, which served us well at the time, but which have now been overtaken or overtaken by circumstances. As if a déjà vu involuntarily keeps repeating itself, or we therefore continue to project it onto the altered reality. The crux here is that this mechanism eludes us, so we ‘get lost’ in a loop invisible to us, in our own mental maze.
Like the man with the long neck in the Efteling – paper here, paper here – or like a robot with a short circuit, we keep adding the same deed to the same word in a way that, however confrontational, unfortunately turns out to be ineffective this time. We have walked ourselves into the proverbial vicious circle, by always following the exactly identical round route (the oh so well-known ‘circle’).
My suggestion: see the problem as if it were your partner, as a dynamic, interactive relationship. When you have a discussion or disagreement with your loved one, what do you normally do to get out of a stalemate, to reach more satisfying conclusions and compromises together? Do you keep echoing yourself endlessly, or are you trying to reach agreement – through dialogue and by listening carefully to each other? With tangible and audible returns as a tactile or obscure effect: a choice made, an intended intention, an appointment. In short: implementing a change. And that’s exactly what you need to do with your problem: make a deal with it!
Take a breather and reflect on the usual course of events. As a result, you will discover what has been bothering you for so long, and why it still bothers you. Instead of biting into the problem like a blind pit bull, you can let it go for a while, take a look at it from all sides, and maybe even put it in the garbage.
Do something different, dare to experiment
No longer keep your problem at arm’s length, but make real contact: empathize, give it a voice. Observe, and analyze, conscientiously your own thoughts and behavior—including any resistance to holding up such a psychological mirror to yourself at all. Little by little, you’ll begin to better understand how – and why – you keep cornering yourself by enabling ‘autopilot’ mode by default. Take, for example, stone and bone complaining – who still believes that it would contribute to any resolution? Do you also think that such a fixation is essentially unnecessary, and really not the only option?
Doing more of the same rarely, if ever, results in anything new. Turn it around (radically) – because why not? Wouldn’t it be wiser and more promising to opt for a spontaneous course, for the unforeseen exception to the rule? At the very least, consider it. Or do you get the impression that grumbling and whining magically takes away your dissatisfaction, or does your ideal autobiographical script conjure up the world? Metaphorically translated: say you bake a cake and burn it, do you keep setting the oven to the same temperature?
If your preferred strategies no longer guarantee an advantage, or even fail miserably, grab yourself by the guts and look for new mental (or emotional) tools. Take the plunge and learn to swim without straps. Be honest. Accept that your conventional response, to which you have become so accustomed, needs to be replaced, otherwise sooner or later – paradoxically – it will become your handicap.
For example, if you find it difficult to fall asleep, and instead of relaxing you focus and fixate on forcing it, we do the opposite of what is recommended by science: physical relaxation, and distract our mind through stimuli that do not affect us. activate the sympathetic nervous system. If we can’t let sleep rest, if we can’t passively surrender to Klaas Veel, we won’t sleep a wink in the end. While that was not our intention at all – on the contrary. This counterproductive principle also applies to anticipatory fear, anxiety and nervousness.
Even in relationships, it’s more common than we think: a woman hopes to hear her partner’s opinion about something, but doesn’t explicitly ask for it because she wants it to come from within himself, and the man keeps his mouth shut because he thinks she’s – for one reason or another – appalled (or periods) is … Both suspect that they – or rather their husband / wife , respond to the most decorous manner. Tension rises to the ceiling, and the problem has just exploded at the seams.
Solve your problem without any problems
We’ve said it before: don’t bump your head on the same stone twice (or a dozen)…. Open previously closed doors, develop new initiatives, potential perspectives, and alternatives. Warempel: rewrite your diary and letters! Be present, take risks, allow all sensations, and get to know them wholeheartedly.
As von Foerster said, “If you aspire to something, act as if it is already so (far).” Who otherwise would be expected, first need something else to do , and thus be surprised. You are the sole driving force behind your own experience, the autonomous master of your own destiny, and the captain of your soul.
The importance of good communication
We read or hear often enough how important it is to maintain good communication, whether at work, with your family or in your love life… Read more.