The Choice Of A Life Partner – Desire Vs. Need

It is not the same to choose a life partner out of desire. The choice should be free and without fear of being alone. Marcelo Ceberio, a psychologist, talks about it in this article.
The choice of a life partner - desire vs.  need

When considering the choice of your life partner, you must be open to seeking with the intent to find. While this is obvious, many people do just the opposite, whether out of fear, immaturity or unwillingness to commit. There are also many other reasons why a person might decline such attempts.

So it is important to choose from a personal desire and not from the need to have someone. The latter is simply the fear of being alone. People become desperate and haphazardly look for a person to fill their void.

A woman sits on a swing next to an empty swing

Choosing a life partner from loneliness

Personal loneliness seems to be the reason why people look for a partner. Loneliness is usually associated with feelings of:

  • devaluation
  • undesirability
  • seclusion
  • lack of acceptance
  • marginalization
  • rejection
  • abandonment

It is also associated with sadness, anxiety and depression.

You can see this way of thinking throughout history, starting with the Biblical precept that says, “ It is not good for man to be alone. As you can see, is loneliness and social rejection.

Of course, who would want to be in such a state when loneliness has so many negative attributes? The point is that there is no absolute loneliness. You can feel lonely even when you are in the company of someone else.

Loneliness in a relationship

One of the hardest forms of loneliness is longing for someone. This is because it creates and removes unmet emotional child needs.

Then there is the influence of your environment. This is because, as the years go by, it keeps reminding you that you are not in a relationship. In other words, that you have no family and no children and many other things that you “should have.”

So in the end, everyone around you makes you feel like you’re useless. This is even worse if most of your friends are already married or expecting a baby. This is because they act like a mirror that shows you what you should and don’t have.

This whole situation heightens the tragic image of loneliness. It also affects your self-esteem because it confronts you with your perceived mistakes. A feeling that there is something you don’t have, an outstanding debt. Then you get desperate. It becomes unbearable and eventually you try to flee from the loneliness.

What happens then is that…

As you try to end this loneliness, you find someone else to fill that void. This is mainly the loneliness within yourself. This lack of distinction brings with it the link with ghosts. They are the product of ideal projections, where the other person is not “the one”, but merely a recipient of the needs you project.

So such a need reveals something you are missing. Because right now, not having a partner doesn’t mean you lack something specific. In general, people enter into a dependent relationship because they cannot live with themselves.

So they seek feedback from their partners. Ultimately, in order to face their feelings of loneliness, they try to fill their personal devaluation with the recognition of another.

You have to keep in mind that needs lead to fear and translate into outbursts of actions. For example, the fear of loneliness, lack of recognition, and devaluation can lead you to build toxic relationships.

Choosing a life partner from a need

When someone selects a person from a need, it is an act of desperation. The main character is in a lower position in it because he places the other on a pedestal and seeks his approval. This is a bad lovemaking and leads to marital estrangement.

Situations of desperate selection become self-fulfilling prophecies . The lonely person wants to end his loneliness so badly that he finds himself alone again. This is because these types of relationships have an end date that further increases one’s feelings of loneliness.

A man and woman hug each other

The other kind of loneliness

However, there is another version of loneliness. It is rooted in the kind of healthy self-esteem that allows you to be good and enjoy yourself.

So, a person with this kind of self-esteem is dependent on someone else. Not having a partner turns them into someone who wants to share their precious time with someone else. They are not stressed by worry and despair because they enjoy and value themselves.

This enjoyment means valuing your time and space and really thinking twice before accepting an invitation and before involving someone in your personal time.

This is because, when you feel good about yourself, you enjoy and truly value your personal time. So you become selective because you don’t want to waste their time. It is not about entering this field as an act of defense, but spontaneously.

After all, solitude is the best partnership, an essential condition for entering into a partnership with anyone. So, if you are trying to find a partner, you need to be on good terms with yourself, as this is essential for your well-being.

Choosing life partner out of desire

Choosing a life partner out of desire gives you the opportunity to discriminate against the object of your affection. You can see both their virtues and flaws.

These are not virtuous or flawed in themselves, but only in view of a relationship with a particular person. That is, they are personal, subjective attributions.

So choosing from desire implies the acceptance of loneliness. If you are okay with yourself when you are alone, then you will make good choices when it comes to sharing your precious time.

So it is clear that accepting and enjoying solitude is a good starting point for choosing a life partner. It is also the possibility to be careful with it.

However, extreme caution can also lead to a defensive attitude in which you may be a little too selective in your search. It’s not hard to go from defense to phobia and still end up lonely.

Bad love games

It may sound judgmental, but if you’re after a disastrous partnership and engaging in bad love affairs, make your selection out of necessity. It’s not the same to wish for a lover and desperately need one. Desire is not the same as a need.

For example, look at this analogy. Need is sitting in a restaurant after not eating for three days. Despair leads you to eat whatever they put in front of you. If you eat a snack first and then go to this restaurant, carefully look at the menu and choose what you like best.

Feeling good about yourself and your loneliness is not exactly an indicator of a right choice, but it does suggest that you will enter into a relationship freely and without urgency. It is a choice based on a relational symmetry and not from a desperate attitude that makes you a target of manipulation.

Life partner

Idealization and realization

The choice of a life partner involves the choice of finding someone to indicate your affection, but in two personal attributions. Either you see only their virtues and idealize them, or you carefully analyze them and consider their virtues as well as their flaws.

However, let’s clarify that idealization corresponds to the first period of any relationship. Reinforcement is only possible in the next one, even if it doesn’t always happen. This is because it means that people see each other without filters.


This leads a person with deficits to project their voids in their search for a savior and an idealized person. What happens here is that the needy only connects with those parts of the other that match their needs.

They see only what they want to see and cut out the rest. Thus they deny the parts they do not like and invent a series of virtues that are not there, but that make up their ideal person.

Someone who wants to have a partner is more objective if his choice is subjective. They are completely absorbed in it and are more critical. They have more clarity about who someone is and are more authentic. The person who acts from desire sees another completely; while the person acting out of need only pays attention to what he idealizes.

Obviously, in order to fall in love, the balance between virtues and flaws must lean heavily on the former. This is a victory that will ensure a certain amount of success in any love affair.

It’s not surprising, however, that many people insist on staying in a relationship, even when their dislikes about that person are overwhelming.

Frustration in choosing a life partner

These are people who expect too much and then get disappointed when someone doesn’t respond the way they want. In this way they easily indicate their discomfort to the interlocutor. People who “fall in love” with a ghost build relationships according to their personal needs.

These people are in pain and are engrossed in the impossible task of trying to fit another person into their preferences, without regard for who the object of their affection really is.

In this case, they are a person who feels constantly disqualified by their life partner’s excessive demands to be someone they are not.

As you can see, a “love affair” can lead to a relationship. This is the transition phase from infatuation to true love and thus to a mature relationship. One in which the lovers tacitly agree on their love for each other and are patient with each other’s flaws.

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