The Causes Of Constant Separation Anxiety

The Causes of Constant Separation Anxiety

Some people suffer from constant separation anxiety. This fear makes them feel restless because they are always afraid that others will leave them. They notice everything because of this. They analyze every word to confirm their fears. Thoughts go through their minds like, “He doesn’t want to stay with me. I mean nothing to him. He doesn’t love me’.

When we start a relationship and are constantly afraid that our partner will abandon us, it just might happen.

The separation anxiety is so strong that it creates an unhealthy attachment. It creates the need to control, harass and mistrust the other. Obviously, this damages the relationship and can lead to a breakup.

Relationships are always subject to change. Our friends may one day decide they don’t want to be our friends anymore. Lives and relationships change. Unfortunately, the constant fear of separation does not make us accept this fact. The fear of being abandoned leads us to believe that any change the relationship undergoes is negative.

The attachment that develops in childhood

To understand the thoughts of people with constant separation anxiety, we need to focus on their childhood. You may remember very little of your childhood.

However, this stage in our lives is extremely important when it comes to the relationships we will have as adults. It’s the stage where we should ideally develop healthy attachments.

Blue drop on the floor

Attachment is an emotional bond that we develop as children with our caregivers. These are the people who provide for our needs and make us feel safe.

Several studies show that developing separation anxiety in adulthood indicates a lack of healthy attachment during childhood. Something was missing. Let’s dig deeper into this.

Factors That Lead To Constant Separation Anxiety

  • Lack of Affection. If our caregivers never hug us or show us physical affection, we will grow up lacking affection. This can also happen if parents never say anything nice to their children.
  • Absent Caregivers. People with separation anxiety often report that their parents have not given them enough attention. Perhaps they were too focused on other matters, were simply absent, or were too busy. Be that as it may, this absence greatly affects a child.
  • Our Parents’ Relationship. Our parents’ relationship plays a huge role in developing our belief that we will not be abandoned. Infidelity, for example, is very destructive to a child’s sense of security. It can cause us to develop the idea that all people are “cheats” and that our own partners will be no exception.

Dealing with a constant fear of separation is very hard, but it is a defense mechanism that people develop as children. Instead of a secure attachment, these people developed an insecure attachment.

Because of this, they will mistrust their partner and actually always be on their guard. At the same time, they will be dependent on their partner in the sense that they must satisfy their need for affection.

Repeating the same patterns

If you’re constantly afraid of abandonment, chances are you’ve been in relationships where your partner cheated on you, got too attached to his or her parents, or didn’t pay attention to you because he or she was working too much. You unconsciously repeat the same pattern you know from childhood, only in a different context and with different people.

When we finally realize that our relationship with our parents affects our adult lives, we may experience anger or be inclined to blame them. However, remember that they did their best.

Now that you are an adult, only you are responsible for the decisions you make. Blaming others won’t help. You just have to work on yourself now.

Man alone on the beach

The best way to heal the unhealthy type of attachment you learned in childhood is to work on your self-esteem. This will help you to stop being dependent on others. You will no longer need them to meet your needs, for you will be able to do this yourself.

By improving your self-esteem, you can learn to trust yourself and others. Only in this way can you have healthy relationships.


Remember that you cannot undo what happened to you during your childhood. What you can do, however, is decide to work on yourself and solve your problems. Take control of your own feelings. The road to a healthy relationship may not be easy, but it’s worth it.

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