I don’t know when I started losing you or how it happened. All I feel is your absence and the ensuing turmoil of emotions.
Maybe it’s not that I’ve lost you, but that my feelings have changed for causes I’m still trying to understand and decipher… Even I can’t understand how fire can turn to ice in such a short moment.
Do you understand what I mean? When you lose someone, or the connection with that person, you feel an unbearable emptiness within yourself. This is what happened.
I still have so much to do, so much to say to you… But when you stand in front of me I feel a lump in my throat and the words don’t come. I disappointed you. I have not been able to keep my promise, the promise that I would merge my life with yours so that we can make the journey together.
The truth is, I don’t regret what we’ve done together so far. Nothing that has been said, done or felt. I’ve had special moments with you, I’ve felt great things and we’ve done things I could never do with anyone else.
No one has ever loved me more or more sincerely than you. No one else taught me that love is not only found, but must be built. And that the most important thing is that you surrender to them, that you give in to the facts and go with them. Or that the possibilities only come when we are looking for them.
I want to thank you for staying with me, for everything you taught me and for everything we learned and discovered together. I am sure of one thing: you have made me a better person. Thanks to you I found myself and got in touch with myself. And that is invaluable.
The things I’ve never told you are the things I can’t express with words. The feelings, the love, the affection and the nostalgia that I feel deep inside.
I will never forget you and tell you what I have never told you, but what you probably already knew and respected.
Not a day has gone by that I haven’t been thankful for meeting you. Because although we are not the same, you are the most important person I have ever known, the most sincere and authentic. I see it in your eyes.
You and I, we walked secret paths, and others more frequented, but we walked for and through our emotions. We learned that love is more than a feeling, that it can become something inexplicable. It can be felt like an inner explosion and it can help you discover the essence of the person who knows how to look you in the eye and talk to you without saying anything.
We spoke the same language for a long time, until I couldn’t understand it anymore. And I’m sorry.
I also want to tell you that you must remain who you are, from your head to your toes, and that you must continue to love with the simplicity and purity that is so characteristic of you. I want to tell you that I will be there for you, I promise, as long as you and my feelings allow. I will never forget you. You are a part of me. Of my story, my life and me as a person.
There’s a piece of you in me and I think there’s a piece of me in you too.
We may not want to walk the same path again, but everything between us was so healthy and sincere, so honest and sweet, that you will always be important to me. My turning point.
And while this is a suicide note, I don’t see it that way, because I don’t want it to be. I don’t think I could ever say goodbye to you. You will always be there, here, part of me in so many ways. If someone comes into your life, despite everything, it is impossible to erase him.
It’s impossible to erase how much love you’ve given me. Impossible to erase how much love there is in this letter.